I’m not much of a royalist. I think we got lucky with that nice old lady who lives in the palace at the end of The Mall but, when her time on this earth comes to an end, we should call time on the whole ridiculous institution. It’s time to admit that having hereditary offices of state is anti-democratic and we should elect a ceremonial president to launch our ships and open our supermarkets like the Irish do.

I don’t think much of her children either. Prince Andrew seems especially unpleasant and I feel no goodwill towards him in the slightest (I scratched his car once. He shouldn’t have parked so close to my ship).

I haven’t really followed the Epstein story but now that it is threatening to dominate our news media for the rest of time I thought I should look into it.

It’s actually really hard to figure out what Prince Andrew is accused of. As best as I can tell, Epstein ran some kind of sex ring where he recruited underage girls, abused them over a period of years and shared them with other rich, over-entitled men who abused them too. If there is evidence that Prince Andrew abused or had sex with underaged girls, they should arrest him, charge him and, if he is found guilty, send him to Guantanamo. If there were others involved, over-privileged or otherwise, charge them too and, if they are found guilty, lock them up and throw away the key.

But that’s not what is happening as far as I can tell. Prince Andrew is not charged with a crime – presumably because there is not enough evidence to charge him. Instead, he is facing a civil case in which the plaintiff has accused him of three counts of sexual assault.

One count happened at an orgy. I’ve never been to an orgy and I’m not familiar with the rules but, when they have them on the telly there are all kinds of naked people and lots of miscellaneous touching. Consent is always important, even at an orgy, but I imagine it would be hard to keep track of which particular touch was offensive and rose to the level of sexual assault. I imagine that it’s unusual for someone at an orgy to bring a civil lawsuit for inappropriate touching.

Another case happened at a nightclub in London twenty years ago. The victim was no longer underage. There is a witness who says she saw Prince Andrew in the nightclub. She remembers because it’s the only time she ever saw a royal.

I can’t find out anything about the other case that occurred in New York.

Everything I have read about the case so far stresses how reprehensible it is for rich, entitled twats like Andrew to get away with shit like this. But they never say what the shit is that he is getting away with. If there is a law that he has broken, he should not get away with it. Lock him up. If there is not a law but people are getting away with shit, then we need more laws. in particular, we need better laws to protect young girls who are lured into sex rings like Epstein’s.

But I find it hard to cheer for a case where the plaintiff pursues a 20-year-old complaint and the defender loses everything whether he wins or loses.

This is not justice.