I’ve had a great day, thanks. How was your day?

When I say “great day”, here’s what happened.

When I woke up this morning my dog couldn’t stand up. Couldn’t walk. I called the vet. Vet is just around the corner. Mucho handy.

Vet was closed. Like, it closed last week. Forever. Vet was part of the Zetland chain so I called Zetland. They could get me an appointment at another vet at 4:15 this afternoon. This other vet is in Bumfuq, Egypt. I’ll need to hire a car!

I booked my Zipcar.

PRO TIP: Zipcars are available 15 minutes before the appointed time if they are not otherwise booked. I got there 15 minutes early to make my Vet’s appointment in plenty of time. Car was not there so I waited until the appointed time and looked forward to glaring at the previous renter for cutting it so fine.

Appointed time came and went with no sign of my car so I called Zipcar.

“Car is not here.” I said. “Yes, it is.” they said.

“No, it’s not.”, I said.

“Oh! Wait! That car? Oh, no. That car is somewhere else. Someone had parked in the spot. It’s at No. 1 Crow Street now.”

“Thanks!” I said, and hung up.

Google says there’s no such thing as No. 1 Crow Street. Not within 50 miles anyway. I call again.

When you call Zipcar, you have to go through a whole verification procedure. It’s not short. I’m already late for my vet appointment.

Next dude tells me the car is in the spot. I say it’s not in the spot. The previous dude told me it’s at No. 1 Crow Street but that doesn’t exist. This dude said it’s outside the Flub-mumble-Ali-something building. I say “Outside the what now?” He says “Let me get you the postcode.”

Yep. My Zipcar is in a different postcode.

I eventually found the car and set off for the vet in Bumfuq, Egypt.

Google Maps apparently did not know that all the bridges in Bristol are currently closed to cars so we did eight laps of the one-way system trying to get out of the City Centre.

I arrived at the vet about 10 minutes late but they are all covid-lockdown-one-patient-at-a-time-etc so I waited in the street while the woman in front of me discussed her Shitsu’s dodgy stomach with the Vet’s assistant for 20 minutes.

The assistant eventually got to me and said I can come in and take a seat as soon as that other woman has gone. She was there a long time. There was a queue forming behind me.

40 minutes later, the vet came out and said “I’m going to see this gentlemen and his dog, Charlie, next because your appointment was at 4:15 but you were late. Charlie’s appointment was at 5pm and he was here on time. “

Meanwhile I’m stood out in the street, carrying my crying dog because the Shitsu with the dodgy stomach and his owner were still hogging the single spot in the waiting room.

After another eternity, Pearl and I got to see the vet. Vet said “I have no idea what is wrong with your dog but here are some strong drugs.”

I head back to the car. As I am getting in my Zipcar in residential Bumfuq, Egypt, I hear a shout.

“Excuse me, sir!”

“Oh, no!” I thought. “I am in trouble for parking in the wrong spot.”

I turned to see an old man, older than Methuselah, carrying two large shopping bags.

“I don’t have COVID!” he said. “I have ataxia. Can you give me a lift home? I live just over there.”

Mr Methuselah was straight out of the casting call for Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He may not have had COVID but he probably had most other diseases judging by the growths on his temple and his rasping wheeze. I was sure he would have a special item for me. Or murder me. There was an episode on Tales of the Unexpected like that once.

I say “Sure. Get in.”

“The tricky bit will be getting across the street to get to your car. I have ataxia. Would you give me your arm?”

I gave him my arm. We make it into the Zipcar and set off.

“It’s just down here on the right”.

“Next left”

“Keep going to the top of the hill”

“About half a mile more.”

“Next right. Then it’s just around the corner.”

I dropped Mr Methuselah off at his house. Actually: not quite at his house because he had a story about how he did not want to wake his wife up because she has “issues”.

Mr Methuselah was very grateful but he did not have a special item. He did not murder me either so that’s something.

I drove off feeling like I had done my good deed for the day and I couldn’t wait to share the story with Mrs Clown.

I had to extend my Zipcar reservation because I was, by now, very late. When I got back to the appointed spot, I found it was occupied by a big ugly SUV so I drove around and around for another 20 minutes, looking for a parking space.

When I FINALLY made it home, I told Mrs Clown my story but she was so mad at me for helping an old man with ataxia that I will be sleeping on the couch tonight. I hope tomorrow will be better.

APPENDIX ONE

Calling all Zipcar renters!

When some Fuckwit parks their big SUV in the spot that is clearly marked for Car Club Owners only, is it permissible to park your Zipcar as close as possible to the big SUV’s bumper — like, almost touching it — so that it is impossible for the Fuckwit to get out of the parking space without calling Zipcar?

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Don’t park your big fucking SUV in my fucking Zipcar spot! It’s for Zipcars only.

When you park in my Zipcar spot, I have to drive around and around the city looking for somewhere to park it and then the next Zipcar renter can’t find it and is late for an appointment.

Epilogue

Sadly, I couldn’t do this today because there were double yellow lines but I did get a little spiteful satisfaction from just imagining the Fuckwit in his big SUV calling Zipcar to explain that he HAD PARKED IN THE CLEARLY MARKED ZIPCAR SPOT and now he couldn’t get his big, ugly SUV out.

I felt like I had some surplus karma from the Methuselah Incident and I would have been happy to use a little of it to punish the fuckwit in the SUV but I feared the long arm of the law so I drove around and around for a long time looking for a parking spot. I’ll save my karma for another day.