I’ve played in a Sunday league for about 6 years now. We had a good few seasons a couple of years back. We were unbeaten in two of them. That’s all hard to remember now though and we have barely won a game since forever.

It’s hard to play with a crap team but it’s even harder being the crappest player on a crap team. I can’t score goals any more and I can’t even beat my defender to put in a good cross. Getting old sucks and the defenders just keep getting younger and faster. I’m done after this season. I have no business playing with 20 year olds. I’ll go back to playing with the old men of Almaden Valley.

Paul Scholes is retiring too but he has less of an excuse as he is about 10 years younger than me and is still one of the best players in the Premier League.

I was going to put together a video of my football playing career but I don’t actually have any videos – and it wouldn’t be very good anyway if I did. Enjoy this retrospective of Paul Scholes, a player described by Zidane as the best midfielder of his generation, instead.